[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
You Might Also Like
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
This one’s “Alex”.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My dog learned how to text
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.