Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name