assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
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you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
This made me chuckle.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning