“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
What the dentist sees
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.