mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Perfection.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.