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@TheCatWhisprer: "Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!"
- a sassy shepherd
@Bandersnaaatch: DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!
- how I threaten my kids
@robdelaney: My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.
@goldengateblond: Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
@simoncholland: *tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
@rachelle_mandik: Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, "HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?"