“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
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[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Jail
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!