[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
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Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing