[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
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Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Google Pay be like:
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.