Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders