Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..