moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“you changed” bro i was 15