Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
🤣🤣🤣
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”