Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order