Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
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95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.