Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
next question.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton