Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father