Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.