mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
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Kid at skatepark:
âAre you Tony Hawk?â
me: I am
him: âno youâre notâ
me: ok, Iâm not
him: âbut are you, FOR REAL?â
me: I am, for real
him: I thought youâd look younger
me: ME TOO
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: iâm a slow learner
interviewer: well…thatâs not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now youâre blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
đ amazing answer
When itâs ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- Iâm on fire
2- Youâre on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickinâ well better be on fire
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Just overheard someone say âitâs Friday somewhereâ lmao. Like… itâs just… not.
Canât wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
texting my crush âhey infantâ instead of baby so they know iâm smart and regularly use my thesaurus
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS