I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Candles never taste the way they smell
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
This a good idea
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.