“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever