Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
They’re called werewolves.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.