@froghammer: Mom, dad... I'm gay. I didn't know either, someone on the internet told me
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@Fred_Delicious: "so doc... am I dying?" "we're all dying, just at different speeds" "but what about me" "You're like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao"
@POTerritory: Cop: What is your line of business? Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff. Cop: Louder for the microphone. Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.
@novicefather: Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."
@VinoTica: For once, I'd like to take a medication w/side effects such as come-hither eyes, mad juggling skills, & Julia Childs' prowess in the kitchen