Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again