I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?