A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My favorite female superhero
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.