MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
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*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
me: my friends:
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.