Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
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*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Hmm, not sure about this change
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.