Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
You Might Also Like
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[canadians at you, canadianly]
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.