therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
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Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I was up all night reading about insomnia
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe