Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
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I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.