@thequeensheart: "Mom, I promise I won't interrupt your nap." "Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?"
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@AmishPornStar1: The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
@jonnysun: "to my son, i leave my bathroom scale" the lawyer sighs "because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five"