@thequeensheart: "Mom, I promise I won't interrupt your nap." "Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?"
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@drunk: vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and its not effecting you, & the next you're chatting up a chair
@DamienFahey: When Chipotle says, "Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?" I pause, then say, "Hang on, let me call my financial advisor."
@Book_Krazy: Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want. Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? Him: Fishing
@Maui_Speaks: My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....