@thequeensheart: "Mom, I promise I won't interrupt your nap." "Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?"
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@LeahBonnema: I can't take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It's still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
@weinerdog4life: I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
@Mostly_Cheese: Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts? Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS