“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Wednesday
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.