Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times