Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
How high do the levels go?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.