Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
12653.
Seems a bit forward
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”