mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Driving in Europe vs Canada
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care