Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
this is how life feels
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.