If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work