… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
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cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
No, YOUR illiterate.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.