MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*