[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
What my back needs
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.