Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team