Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider