I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
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Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Would you wear it?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see