[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
IT’S-A ME,
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro