Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
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Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
let’s discuss
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that