Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene