Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Just a friendly reminder!
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Word!
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza