Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
oh u like geography? name every lake
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder