Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!