@bendreyfuss: “Mom, the dictionaries are fighting again"
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog
@Michael_Erhart: Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns. Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* "Figures."
@SufficientCharm: 6am: Too tired 8am: This isn't so bad 1pm: OMG so tired 5pm: zombie 8pm: Dead 10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS