Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born