Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
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The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.