Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case